Hello and welcome back.
If you missed Part 1- make sure you head here and read that first so you’re up to speed. This is a #saga, and as I stated earlier I am leaning into the drama. Leaning right in. Giving myself full permission to feel what I’m feeling.
That’s why we’re here, right? Big feelings are welcome.
Getting into part two, I want you to know that it felt important for me to lay the groundwork and give you the context around which the story I’m telling is based. I promise you, we’re getting right back to the heart ache about half way down the page. You can skip to it but the gravitas will be lost when you get deeper into the more woeful parts.
But you do you, boo.
Following me closely, if you do, you’ll know that I’ve spoken a lot of about my love for NLP (aka Neurolinguistic Programming). If you’re not a fan, all good - I’m not here to convert you - but it’s important for the context of my story.
It’s become a polarising topic (for some), however, for myself and those that I studied with, it’s been life changing. Criticisms of NLP often speak to it being manipulative or coercive. Many a sleazy salesman has had a run at using these tools seeking personal profit.
Important to note it’s not the tools that are manipulating people, it’s the people.
If you don’t know about NLP, I’ll give you the quick one-two.
If you google it, the internet tells you it’s a psychological approach and a set of tools that involves Eriksonian hypnosis, analysing strategies, values, beliefs, emotional responses and more. It relates to thoughts, language, and patterns of behaviour learned through experience, to specific outcomes. As my teacher says, it’s about looking at what we already do and making the unconscious - conscious.
It provides new perspectives on why we think the way we think and offers “processes’ and other kinds of visualisations, most of which serve as a metaphor, a function that allows the subconscious mind to accept the suggestions being made by the practitioner.
Neuro - your brain
Linguistic - your language
Programming - how they interact to inform your thoughts, behaviour and your sense of identity.
(NB: Programming refers to the way our brains create the structures and programs that we then employ day to day, it does not mean programming other people. A common misconception).
It’s not a framework that’s moved into the mainstream like CBT or narrative therapy, and there’s plenty of people who argue that it doesn’t work.
I’ve had my own experiences that have led me to believe that it does and therefore it’s something that I use daily. For the critics I’ll just say this.
NLP is not, in isolation, therapy and it shouldn’t purport to be. Neither is coaching. It’s not there to fix you or manipulate you into change. It’s a tool and as such needs to be respected and used within the context of a consensual relationship. Many of the students I’ve studied with have been teachers, coaches, GPs, psychologist and psychotherapists, doulas, midwives and more.
There are many professions that are not certified or verified and to simply argue that something without verification is inherently void of value - is overly simplistic.
Furthermore, under patriarchy, I think you’ll find that the things that are deemed, culturally, to be of value are things that are of value to men. Not always. But a lot.
In looking to alternative therapies, in looking outside of the western medical model, in looking into more holistic care, less masculine models of working or more embodied practices, coaching and other helping professions, you’ll find two things are pretty consistent.
It’s often women led and women owned knowledge.
It’s not certified, or verified or backed by science. Not because the science isn’t there but because there’s never been a reason (for patriarchy) to pay for that research to be done at the level required to become peer reviewed or evidence based.
It’s the same logic that means our studies of the clitoris are STILL in their infancy, versus the length and breadth AND girth of studies into male anatomy and why things like tampons and women’s sanitary products are still not considered essential.
Viagra? Oh that’s on the PBS though, subsidised by the tax payer.
I dick you not.
This is not to say that this is 100% the case with NLP, but it’s a part of the wider conversation around verified and non verified or certified and non certified. One is not inherently better, safer, more effective. Especially not when the certifying bodies themselves are not acting without social, economic or cultural or patriarchal influence.
Just food for thought.
So whilst I’m not here solely in defence of NLP, I do want to explain why I believe in what I believe and providing you the context of those beliefs, allowing you, my smart and beautiful friend to do the same.
Just because something is not backed by research, doesn’t mean it’s inherently flawed or that it doesn’t work. And vice versa.
It means you use your discretion and don’t be dumb about it.
One thing that is often ignored in criticisms of NLP is the concept of ecology. Students are taught that it is the responsibility of the practitioner to check in and make sure that what they are using their tools for is good for the person they are working with, good for themselves and good for the wider world.
It’s kind of the NLP version of first do no harm, therefore stating that if ecology is not being considered, then you’re not doing NLP.
OK. That’s all you’ll get from me in defence of NLP.
I digress. I’m sure what you’re really here for is the story, right?
So, back to my broken heart. A few weeks ago now, something that happened (to do with NLP - ergo the lengthy intro) that really shook me.
Shook me at my soul level. Shook my identity. My idol. This person I looked up to. Interacted with. This person who led me to form such strong opinions about life, womanhood and feminism completely trashed NLP on their instagram.
(Water off a ducks back, Bec!!!
Is this the whole point of your story????
All of that for just one little slight?)
I’m not talking about a little slight. I’m talking a 30 minute long passionate evisceration of a foundation of work that I have poured my heart into over the last 4 years.
A body of work that has seen me support myself through assault survivor recovery and allowed me to recontextualise my experiences and my emotional response.
A body of work that supported my husband to get off his antidepressants (again - not an advertisement - use your discretion and work with your professionals).
A body of work that I have used time and time again with women in my communities, in circles, in coaching, online and in person.
A body of work I believe in to my core. My bones. I bleed this stuff.
And they completely trashed it. They even admitted to having only just learned about NLP this week and then purporting the malicious, coercive and manipulative tactics employed by those who use NLP.
These CHARLATANS…. they said.
I know I shouldn’t have watched the whole thing. It made my heart hurt. However, I am not new to the cult of misinformation that surrounds this body of work. I put on my big girl panties. Held onto my heart. Surely they would understand. Surely they would be open to it.
I wrote to tell them of ecology, as I have just told you above.
I get it. It wasn’t as if the tongue lashing wasn’t warranted. The instagram coaching industry has some obscene qualities and they were calling out to their quarter of a million followers to cancel some fuck-boy-dude-bro who claimed to be a trauma coach.
He was certified in NLP and had a few other easy-to-pay-for bits of paper.
I don’t disagree with a lot they said. There are lots of problems with the cult of the insta coach and a lot of reflecting that needs to be had. The language. The lack of scope. The need for trauma informed practice. I can happily converse in all the ways the coaching world is in need of a reckoning, of sorts.
However, I stepped in, as I had a hundred times before, replying to a story with what I know to be a considered, thoughtful and measured response.
They acknowledged it. WOO! SUCCESS!
The love heart emoji sitting beside my words like a validation injection. Job done.
I resigned myself to get off socials for the rest of the day. They were certain to wax lyrical about the coaching industry and whilst I agreed with much of the sentiment, it’s not something that I needed to see.
It’s hard enough to put yourself out there online without seeing someone you respect talk about all the ways in which you’re probably doing it wrong.
Something to consider when you’re posting on instagram or Facebook, and whilst I am vexatious about self expression and the need for places and platforms to say what you need to say, uninhibited, there’s also a responsibility that comes along with that. A responsibility that I don’t think was taken in this instance. Or perhaps considered at all.
My phone buzzed early the next day, my GOD, noted a friend (and fellow NLP alum), they’ve gone off about it AGAIN.
Oooo excited I don’t know the next bit 👏👏